Feeling like a bloated sack of protoplasm!

Does anyone remember the Nickelodeon show "Ren and Stimpy," about the really weird looking dog and cat who were best buddies and frequently burst into a rousing chorus of "Happy, happy, joy, joy..."? They were also really into bodily functions and insulting each other...yes, great family fun ;o).

Well, one of the common insults hurled on that show was, "You bloated sack of protoplasm!"

And that's how I feel right now.

I might as well be completely honest, because, as they say in TOPS [my mom was a member when I was a kid, and I remember part of their pledge], "Though I eat in private, my excess poundage is there for all the world to see what a fool I've been."

I have not weighed myself recently. I don't know if it would give me a swift kick in the tail, or send me into a fit of tears/rage/more tears/more rage. We took a break from WW meetings for the summer because church stuff keeps us way too busy to actually get to meetings. And, although some people go there just to weigh in, I'm too cheap to pay $12 and not get the full benefit.

Stupid, stupid girl.

I should have made it a priority. I know that I cannot minister effectively if I do not keep myself healthy. I know that I was losing by sticking to the WW plan and counting points, exercising, and getting all my water in [yes, I KNOW that the new momentum program counts all non-caloric liquids now, but I really feel better if the majority of what I drink during the day is water]. I should have insisted that Thursday evenings from 5:15-6:00 were sacred, and people just needed to deal with it.

Now, I have missed so many meetings, that I would need to pay the registration fee in order to come back. And I can't afford that. So now I need to wait until fall, even though I want to go back right now.

I guess I can "go back" anyway. I have my electronic points counter/calculator. I know how many points are in things, and how many I need to consume based on my body weight. I still have my DDR mat, which is collecting dust in my storage closet.

I need to do this. I am quite positive I have gained back all the weight I lost - possibly more. I have clothes that are getting tight on me, and I gave all my fat clothes away to a woman in our church who had lap band surgery and is still losing [not quite in my 2x's and 3x's, but getting close, and I certainly do not want to call her up and say, "Uh...I got fat again - could I have my clothes back, please?"]. I refuse to buy new clothes in a BIGGER size. Unless I'm pregnant. Which, the more I stuff my face, the less likely it is that that is going to happen.

When we were getting ready to buy our house 10 years ago [Holy cow! Was I only 23 years old when I became a homeowner?!?!?!?], when we were thinking of spending money on something frivolous, we'd ask ourselves, "Do we want this, or do we want a house more?"

Why, oh, why can't I think that way now, when I am supposedly older and wiser? Do I want that extra helping of dinner, or do I want a baby more? Do I want to go out to eat because I'm too lazy to cook...or do I want a baby more? My actions are proving that apparently, I desire food more than I desire a baby. At least a healthy one. And a healthy ME during a pregnancy!

Diabetes and heart disease runs rampant in my family. Three out of three of my grandparents who are gone have died because of heart problems. What makes me think I'll beat those odds eating the way I do? When I am bigger and more unhealthy now at age 33 than they were at my age?

Why do I think I will be the one person in my family who will prove medical science wrong and live to be 100 on the fast food diet?

I need to change. No more excuses. I know all the "right" things to do. I just need to do them.

Edited to add: Yup. Gained back all the weight I lost PLUS another pound and a half. No wonder the clothes have gotten tight! Back on the wagon starting NOW.